


Smile at the Stars

by authoroftrash



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akaashi Keiji & Kozume Kenma Friendship, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bokuto Koutarou & Kuroo Tetsurou Friendship, Eventual Smut, Gay, Haikyuu Week, Hate Sex, Hinata Shouyou & Kozume Kenma Friendship, I Don't Even Know, I Ship It, I Tried, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kuroo Tetsurou is a Good Friend, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Nekoma, One Shot, One Shot Collection, Power Bottom Kozume Kenma, Self-Harm, Smut, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, Top Kuroo Tetsurou, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 05:14:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28951014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/authoroftrash/pseuds/authoroftrash
Summary: Kenma has only seen Kuroo cry twice in his life: at his grandmother's funeral when he was eleven, and his middle school graduation. Nothing could have prepared him for the tears that were shed from his best friend, as he stared at the fresh scars donning Kenma's thighs.Kuroo acted like he didn't notice them last night. He acted like he never sobbed so hard he practically choked.Kenma acted like he didn't know Kuroo saw.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 5
Kudos: 73





	Smile at the Stars

**Author's Note:**

> content warning: s*lf harm and slight sexual content.
> 
> Also, I'm not going to be using honorifics in this, and when people are addressed I'm going to use the English way, because I don't completely understand honorifics and I wouldn't want to mess them up.

HE DIDN'T TALK TOO MUCH, but he didn't talk too little. Kenma knew when to open his mouth, and he knew when nobody would listen. It was tiring honestly, and sometimes he just wanted to scream.

There was no real way to describe how he felt about himself. He didn't think too much of it. Sometimes, the emotions would all pour in in huge tidal waves and make him feel like he was dying- like the only thing to make the pain stop was worse pain. 

His parents weren't around too much. They loved Kenma, but were rarely in the house at all. They owned a business together, and when they both weren't traveling, only one would be home. Usually they would sleep the entire time, since it's mainly due to a long layover or a meeting.

They asked him if he felt comfortable being home alone for the majority of the week, since he was seventeen and all. Of course, they were expecting a certain answer, so that's the answer he gave them. The old lady who lived next door, Mrs. Nishida, was supposed to check on him every night by giving a phone call. 

The sweet woman cared about Kenma, and knew he was a teenager. She dropped off dinner on his front doorstep, and if he was out for the night, he needed to give her a text. Mrs. Nishida's husband died a few years ago, and she was all alone in her huge townhouse. 

Kenma said it was out of pity, but he always visited her in person once a week. She would make him try a new food each time, which usually resulted in a sour look from the boy. Still, it was always followed by homemade apple pie, and he was smart enough to know that grandmothers make the best pie. 

She had no children, and she was honestly the closest thing to a grandmother Kenma had. He felt comfortable with her- probably more than his parents. Her "divine wisdom" and all that always made him feel a little better about himself, and she always made sure to give him a warm hug before he left each night.

Kenma's never been one for hugs, or physical contact, but for some reason he felt safe in her arms. The only other person he could touch without cringing was Kuroo, and maybe Akaashi. 

Mrs. Nishida didn't know about his scars. He always wore long sleeves and long enough shorts whenever he walked over to her house, and she usually just assumed he was cold. 

It would break her heart if she ever found out. Hell, it might even kill her. He tried to stop for her, he really did. But it was harder than any boss level game, because a game is a game. Kenma is Kenma. There's no "character modification" option that can magically make him okay. 

From his research, it was called a relapse- when you tried to stop it for good and failed miserably. That's what he was- a failure. 

There was no time to think about any of this now, because Kuroo was supposed to be coming over in half an hour. He was spending the night, since it was Friday and there was no school tomorrow. Kenma had texted Mrs. Nishida and let her know he was fine, but he didn't need dinner tonight. 

His best friend had texted him earlier today, explaining that he had so much news to tell him. Usually that was just Kuroo's way of telling Kenma he missed him. But they couldn't say it flat out to each other; that would be weird, right? 

Kuroo was one of the people that Kenma could talk for hours, and when he looked back, his best friend was still listening. He wondered what would happen if Kuroo ever found out about what he's doing to himself.

Would everything change? Would he overthink it and send Kenma to an institution? Would he even care? 

Of course he would. Not everyone hates you, he told himself. It was hard to be convincing though, and he never let himself believe that. Kenma shuddered at the sudden chill, feeling goosebumps rise across his arms. 

He didn't notice the way his eyes stung with tears, or the way the blood slowly creeped down onto the rim of his white socks. Kenma just kept his eyes locked on the thin line he was etching into his skin. 

It stopped the feeling of panic he felt, and over time he just got used to the sting of the blade on his legs. It seemed almost like a routine now. 

Things like this were hard to hide from Mrs. Nishida and Kuroo, because both of them were a little too good at over-analyzing things. He was able to hide the scars well- using higher waisted gym shorts to cover the lines on his hips and thighs. 

Kenma only cut his arms once, in the desperate frenzy to stop his lungs from contracting so fast. It left a jagged white line on his wrist, and he was so scared somebody had noticed. 

While at Bokuto's house one night, Akaashi had asked him. "Kenma. What's with the scratch on your wrist? It looks deep." He commented. Kenma could feel the skepticism layering his gaze, and to make matters worse, Bokuto and Kuroo had noticed, and they turned their heads to look at it.

They both made a remark on it and looked at him inquisitively. "I- I- my cat scratched me."

Bokuto nodded before stuffing another piece of pizza in his mouth, and Kuroo only gave him a confused look. 

Kenma didn't have a cat. Akaashi knew that. 

He always wondered why the other setter never said anything. He surely knew. Akaashi was smart- he noticed things: like if you moved a different way, or if you flinched when a certain person came near you. He could just tell. 

Kenma was sure that his suspicions were confirmed at their most recent practice tournament. He had felt particularly bad one night, and wanted to punish himself in a way that would last longer and hurt more than his average wounds. 

Tiny parallel cuts were scattered on the side of Kenma's pointer finger the next day. He couldn't wear a bandage because it wouldn't cover everything, and as Nekoma's setter he needed to use all of his fingers. 

They opened up twice during that tournament, and Kenma didn't feel the blood dripping down his arm until his coach called a time-out. "Kenma. What the hell is with your hand? Twice it's started bleeding?"

"My cat scratched me." He lied again, and his gaze lingered on Akaashi, who was staring at him through lidded eyes across the net. 

Lev began to open his mouth. "But, Kenma, you don't ha-" Kenma shoved his bloody finger in his face, smearing it onto his cheek. The Russian almost fainted.

Akaashi had approached him after the tournament, while Kenma was walking back from dinner with Kuroo. His best friend looked at him weird when Akaashi needed to talk to Kenma alone. But, he did as he was asked of and left them both to talk. 

The setter brought Kenma over to a bench, who was sweating bullets. Akaashi pulled something out of his bag and looked to the blonde. "Give me your hand." He shook his head, shoving it deeper into his pocket, and wincing when the zipper caught onto one of the cuts. 

"Kenma." He repeated his command more firmly before reaching in and grabbing his hand. Akaashi examined the scars, and the unsurprised look on his face only confirmed Kenma's suspicions- he did know.

Akaashi wrapped a thin gauze around his finger and giving the rest of the roll to Kenma, who felt a tear prick the back of his eye. 

He never mentioned it out loud to anyone, but when the two of them were alone, he always pried. Kenma was grateful for his silence, but it seemed like Akaashi had his own questions. 

They were all in good sense, of course. He just wanted to help. The two of them met up on Tuesdays by a lake and sat upon a bench. They watched the sun set together and talked about things. 

It was always stupid little things that Bokuto did that made Kenma laugh. Most of the time, it started with a small smile, and Akaashi watched carefully as he erupted into a giggle. 

He always walked Kenma home after that, and the two of them would try to count the most stars they could. The cold air surrounded them, but Kenma was grinning the entire way back to his house before announcing he beat Akaashi. 

Then, the boy did something Kenma would never have expected. He hugged him. Akaashi wrapped his arms around the blonde and pulled him close, and Kenma's lack in height made his head rest against Akaashi's chest. 

There was nothing between the two of them, but they stayed in that position for what felt like forever. Kenma could hear the steady thumps of Akaashi's heart, and could feel his warm breath fan down onto his hair. 

The setter pulled away before turning around. "Take care of yourself, Kenma. I want you to smile like that all the time, and I want other people to witness it besides the constellations." 

And with that, Akaashi had left, leaving Kenma speechless in his front doorway. He felt okay whenever he was with him, and it made him feel weird. 

He knew he didn't like Akaashi romantically, and could hug him and touch him easily without feeling butterflies in his stomach. So, why did he feel nervous with Kuroo? The two were already very touchy together, but there was always some unnerving feeling resting in Kenma's stomach.

It always seemed bad, but after talking to Akaashi about it, he said something insane: "Well, maybe you have a crush on Kuroo." He laughed at Kenma's scorn. "WHAT? I was just suggesting that maybe...."

No matter how much he hated to admit it, maybe Akaashi was right. Damn him. 

Kenma felt nervous that Kuroo was coming soon. He never thought about it until Akaashi mentioned it: two hormone filled boys, alone in a house, at least one of them is sexually frustrated. What could happen?

It sent him into a spiral, and he tried to calm himself down, but forgot about the blood that had soaked into his sock while cleaning up the rest of it. Kenma put the blade back into a baggie before stuffing it under his mattress. 

His thigh stung as he flexed the muscle, and winced as he pulled his gym short down. Kuroo should be coming any minute now, he had no time to put on numbing cream or take medicine. 

A vibrating sound had been pounding into Kenma's head, and it took a moment of regrouping before he picked up his phone. Mrs. Nishida's contact was floating on the screen, and he answered on the last ring.

"Hello?" Kenma's voice cracked as he began to talk, and he cleared his throat aggressively. 

He could hear instrumental music playing in the background of the phone call, and Mrs. Nishida yelled into the phone. Her voice shook slightly as she spoke. "Hi, Kenma? It's me, Mrs. Nishida!" She exclaimed happily.

Kenma put the phone on speaker and began to clean his room. "Yeah, I know." He sighed. "Your contact has been saved for half a year. You don't need to clarify." He picked up a stray jacket and put it in his hamper before feeling lightheaded. 

There were pots and pans cluttering over her, and it took a few moments for the old woman to realize that Kenma couldn't hear her squeaky voice while cooking. 

"KENMA? You still there, sweetie?" Her voice crescendoed as she must have held the phone to her mouth. "I made some shortcake." Mrs. Nishida paused, but not long enough to let Kenma speak. "Now, I know it's not your favorite, but these strawberries were about to go bad! I know you have a friend coming over, but if you-"

He interrupted her. "Sounds perfect. I'll have Kuro get it on his way here. Remember him? Black crazy hair, super tall? Looks like a rooster?"

She pondered for a moment. "Ah, yes! I'll leave it at the front door." 

Kenma felt a tiny smile creep up to his face, and he brought his phone back up to his ears. "Thanks, Mrs. Nishida, I appreciate it. Have a good night."

"Of course, baby. Be careful, there's a crazy storm tonight. Don't hesitate to call or come over if you need me." 

He hung up and fell back down on his bed. Kenma sent Kuroo a text to pick up the shortcakes from Mrs. Nishida and received a thumbs up text in return. Then, he made his way down the stairs and laid on the couch, pressing a hand to his forehead.

KUROO POV

KUROO SHIVERED IN THE COLD AIR, feeling the chill of December seep into his skin. He didn't dress for the cold, primarily since Kenma's house was always hot.

The jacket he was wearing slowly slipped off his shoulder, but he couldn't do anything since his hands were occupied by his duffel bag and a plate of strawberry shortcakes.

He opted to kick the door instead of knock, bellowing out his best friend's name. "KENMA! Open up, I'm freezing, and it's going to rain!" 

A few moments later, the front door cracked, and the blonde peeked his head out. Kenma's eyes were tired, and his eyelids were drooping. He pulled the door backwards and took the plates of shortcake from Kuroo.

"Oh. Hey, Kuro." He walked over to his kitchen counter, and Kuroo tilted his head. Kenma was walking funny, and he had a slight limp. He must have pulled a muscle in volleyball. 

"Pulled a muscle?" He asked. Kenma stopped in his tracks before turning around. He had a sour look on his face, and his bleach-blonde hair was pulled back in a bun. He nodded slightly, eyeing Kuroo up and down as he peeled his jacket off. 

The best friends sat in silence, facing each other on the couch. Kenma looked funny, and his lips were quivering like he was nervous. Kuroo broke the silence by reaching forward to his best friend's pant leg and pulling it up. 

Kenma jumped backwards suddenly and slapped Kuroo's wrist away. He looked at the blonde, stunned, and was trying to explain what he had just done. "I- I was gonna massage the muscle since you were limping. Scared you can't resist me?" He joked. 

His best friend didn't find it funny, and he forcefully shut his eyes as he smoothed his pant leg down his thigh again. Kenma sighed. "Sorry. It's just weird, I guess. I thought it was normal, but Akaashi was-" He stopped and pondered for a moment. "He just said we're really touchy for only being best friends."

Kuroo arched his brow, getting up from the couch to go get some cakes. He shouted back to Kenma, who was breathing heavily. "Who cares what Akaashi thinks? We'v been best friends for way longer than him and Bokuto, so of course you and I are more comfortable with each other."

"Yeah." There was a crack of thunder outside, and Kuroo thought he saw Kenma fly. The boy jumped upwards from his seat, slightly shaking as he curled back into a ball. He knew Kenma was scared of storms, and read the forecast that a tropical storm was coming on friday. 

Since Kenma's parents were at a business expo in Russia currently, he was afraid of leaving Kenma alone. He had the nice old lady next door, but Kuroo assumed he'd be much more comfortable with his best friend than a neighbor. 

He picked at his shortcake, plopping back down onto the couch. Kenma reached out and took the second one on the plate. He was aiming the remote towards the television and struggling to pick out a movie for the two of them to watch. 

Kenma wasn't paying attention while feeding himself the cake, and a dollop of whipped cream smudged across his lips. He didn't seem to care, and he didn't even bother to lick it off. 

Kuroo thought of what Kenma would do if he just wiped it off for him. His wandered more and more until he came up with a scenario of him licking the cream from his lips. How Kenma would react seeing their lips on top of one another. But it surely wasn't a kiss, right? He didn't like Kenma like that. 

Once he settled on an anime for them to watch, Kuroo cringed. Kenma had picked out Maid-Sama, and tried to defend himself while his best friend laughed. "It- it's a cute show!" 

His gaze kept faltering on the whipped cream sitting atop Kenma's lip, and slowly moved closer to him. The blonde froze as Kuroo's face crept closer until they were centimeters apart. 

He could feel Kenma's warm breath fanning his nose, but the most surprising thing to Kuroo was that his best friend didn't even try to stop him. 

What was he doing? Kuroo brought his thumb up to Kenma's top lip, swiping it across. He lifted the whipped cream up to his mouth and dragged his tounge across his finger. Kenma's eyes looked like they were about to jump out of their sockets, and he could see the intense blush on his cheeks. 

Was- was Kenma hoping for more? The two were practically on top of each other, and Kuroo steadied himself by draping his arm across the back of the couch. They had never done this before, but neither of them have felt the feeling of wanting to be closer more than they did now. 

Kenma made no move on Kuroo, but he didn't stop him. Why weren't they stopping? There was a sense of awkward silence between them, because it seemed like they were trying to read the other. 

He watched carefully when Kuroo licked the cream off, and didn't make a move. Kenma wouldn't do that, meaning Kuroo would have to be the instigator of anything. 

Why did he want this? Was Akaashi right? Best friends don't do this sort of thing, but why wasn't he stopping himself?

A flash of lightning illuminated the room they were sitting in, and the power flickered. The lights in the house all shut off, along with the television, leaving the two boys in silence. Thunder caught up with the lightning, and it shook the house. 

Kenma looked as white as a ghost, and he shrank down from their current position. He didn't say a word to Kuroo, but he was lost in his thoughts.

"Wanna go upstairs?" Kuroo asked. Kenma's eyes widened, and Kuroo stuttered. "I- no- I meant like go in your room. Since your Nintendo is up there- you could play it. It might be a good distraction."

He nodded before getting off the couch. Kenma resumed his limp-walk, but Kuroo could tell he was trying to hide it. Instead, he used his arm to support himself. 

Kuroo followed him quietly as they walked up the stairs together in silence. Neither boy said a word to each other, but they were both wondering the same thing.

What were we doing down there? Why did I want something to happen?

"Kenma." He stopped at his doorway suddenly. The blonde turned around to meet Kuroo's eyes. 

"What?" 

The tall boy stuttered slightly before clearing his throat and trying to remember what he was saying. 

The blonde was awkwardly sitting on his bed while fiddling with his game. Kenma seemed almost disinterested- like he wanted to say something else. 

"Spit it out." Kuroo leaned against the doorframe. 

"Huh?" He looked up, dropping his console in his lap. 

The room was almost pitch black, and the main source of light was a decorative Minecraft lantern sitting on his night stand. 

Neither boy said a word until Kenma broke the silence. "I- I was gonna ask you something." Kuroo waited impatiently while he tried to talk. "How did you know?"

"Know what?"

He sighed again, acting like Kuroo should have been able to read his mind. "That you were bisexual. I'm trying to figure that out for myself. I've been a little frustrated lately, and I need to figure out who's gonna help me with that." 

Kuroo was dumbfounded. He tried to open his mouth, but instead of words, he let out a breathy gasp. "That's why you didn't pull away. Down on the couch. You wanted to test yourself- to see if you wanted it." 

He said nothing, but the tall boy knew he was correct. 

"Well? Were you? Have you even kissed a boy or anything?" He paused. "Wait- have you had your first kiss?" 

Kenma nodded. "Yeah, a few months ago. I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to get mad."

"Why would I get mad?" Kuroo laid down on the bed and let his legs fall off the side. 

"It was with Shoyo."

Kuroo sat up immediately, before turning to Kenma. He didn't meet his gaze. Was Kuroo jealous? Of Hinata? The shrimp from Karasuno?

"He wanted to make Kageyama jealous, so he asked me to walk him to his house and kiss him before he walked in." He didn't seem enthused. "I didn't feel any attraction to Shoyo, so I wasn't sure if I was gay."

Kuroo faced the wall again, putting his hands in his face. "I dunno. Maybe you were attracted to someone else? You might have felt nothing for Hinata because you liked-." 

Kenma faced Kuroo again. His sudden confidence was surprising, but it gave Kuroo a weird feeling in his stomach. Were those butterflies? 

"Forget it, its stupid. Sorry." Kenma apologized before looking down at his hands again. There was another sound of thunder in the back, and Kuroo knew how much it was bothering him.

Heavy rain splattered against the windows in a rhythm. 

Kenma stood up in an attempt to calm himself. He shook his palms and twitched slightly. His hair was falling out of the bun he had it in earlier, and his shaky hands tried to fix it. 

The tall boy tried to figure out a way to distract him, but the only thing that was popping into his brain kept getting pushed back out by his common sense. 

He's just horny, that's all. 

"Do you wanna try?" He spurted out. Kenma turned to him. 

Kuroo stuttered as he tried to get his words out. "See if you're gay? And all that?"

"How would we test that?" He asked. 

Kenma sat down next to Kuroo and turned to face him. His heart was beating so fast he was sure the other could hear it. 

"Just. Just one kiss. Boom, done, and maybe you'll know. After all, I'm different than Hinata, so maybe you just have certain preferences."

"You- you want to kiss?"

Kuroo cleared his throat. "Well- sure. It's to help your problem after all. And there's nobody here besides us. If you don't like it, then we never speak of it again."

"And what if I do like it?" He inquired.

He didn't have an answer for that. "I don't know? At least you'll find out if you're attracted to guys or not."

Kuroo pulled Kenma off the bed until they were standing in the middle of the room. The two stood apart until Kenma broke the silence. 

"I can't even see anything."

"It'll be easier that way."

Kuroo grabbed Kenma's shoulders and pulled him closer. He looked down into his eyes and cupped his cheek. 

Slowly, ever so slowly, they both leaned in. Eventually, their lips pecked. It was as simple as that, and Kuroo stepped backwards. He left a dumbfounded Kenma in his spot, who was murmuring to himself. 

Kuroo, on the other hand, thought he was about to explode. Why did he feel this way about Kenma? Why tonight? 

A hand grabbed onto his wrist, and before he could register, Kuroo was pulled back into Kenma's embrace. They crashed their lips together forcefully, and their hands roamed the other's bodies. 

Kuroo pushed Kenma toward a wall, and hoisted him up. His ankles wrapped around Kuroo's waist as he kissed his jawline, letting tiny moans escape from his mouth. 

He continued to feel up Kenma, caressing his waist. At one point, Kuroo switched over to his neck and began to suck on it. 

The blonde made a noise of content as he melted under his touch, running his hands up and down Kuroo's back. 

*lil timeskip bc i'm not writing smut yet*

They stayed like this for god knows how long, simply just exploring one another's bodies for the first time. 

The moment ended when they finally broke apart, and the only thing separating the two boys was their boxers (but Kenma opted to keep his gym shorts on). They found ways around it, but opted to keep them on so they wouldn't see each other completely naked. 

Still, Kenma's neck and jawline were covered in white fluid, slowly dripping down onto his stomach, while Kuroo was breathlessly staring into the ceiling. 

He didn't move for a while, and stayed completely silent, judging from the way he was snoring slightly against the pillow. Kuroo sat upwards, peeling his moist body off of the sheets. 

His eyes raked down Kenma's body again, admiring him. Had he just done that? Kuroo never could have imagined this happening, but something in the back of his head told him he wanted to. 

Kenma's gym short was rolled up slightly, and a drip of blood was seeping onto his bedsheet. He must have scratched himself while Kuroo accidentally ran them into his dresser. 

Kuroo slightly lifted his shorts upward to see how bad the scrape was, but his hand stopped suddenly as soon as he saw another. And another. And another. 

Around 10 parallel slits were carved into his thigh, and the bright red cuts were all brimming with blood. 

They were new. 

He took a sharp inhale of breath, feeling the tears prick the back of his eyes. Kuroo didn't worry about throwing the rest of his clothes on as he tiptoed quietly into the bathroom. 

Once the door was shut, he slapped his hand to his mouth in order to stifle a sob that was trying to escape. Another tear fell down his cheek and onto his thighs as his vision kept bringing him back to the cuts on Kenma's leg. 

Kenma wanted to hurt himself. 

He chose to do this. 

Why? Why did he want to hurt himself? Why couldn't he ask for help?

Why didn't Kuroo notice the signs? 

Oh my god. The scratch on Kenma's wrist he saw. The tiny slits on his finger from the tournament. 

Those weren't on accident. He did it on purpose. 

Kuroo thought back to what Kenma's been doing lately, until his mind snapped back to one person: Akaashi. 

He knew, didn't he?

Kenma told Akaashi and not him. 

He tried to stay as quiet as possible, but some of the cries just didn't want to be silenced, almost like he subconsciously wanted Kenma to hear him.


End file.
